There’s a saying that “friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.” What does that mean to you? Has it been true of your friendships?
Have you ever experienced the ending of a friendship or witnessed someone else go through that process? If so, what feelings came up for you?
In “Why Friendship Breakups Hurt So Much,” Katie Mogg and Catherine Pearson explain, with the help of experts like Beverley Fehr, a social psychologist at the University of Winnipeg who studies close relationships, what makes these endings so painful:
While friendships sometimes end because of a “cataclysmic” event — a betrayal, for instance — more often, they tend to simply peter out, Dr. Fehr said. Ghosting can happen among friends, too.
A friendship breakup can leave both parties adrift, and the person each of the friends would typically share their deepest feelings with isn’t there to help them process the hurt.
That was the case for Nate Douty, a 23-year-old student at Stephen F. Austin State University in Nacogdoches, Texas, who recently lost a treasured friendship. “It did feel like I was alone because no one really understood the type of pain I was going through,” Mr. Douty said.
After Mr. Douty met his former friend through Instagram last year, they “became brothers almost instantly,” he said. They texted around the clock, discussing everything, especially their shared interest in football.
But after a period of conflict, his friend began to gradually withdraw from the relationship, Mr. Douty said. By mid-October, it was clear the friendship was over.
“It hurt as much as any relationship breakup I had ever had, probably even worse,” said Mr. Douty, who said he struggled to eat and focus on school in the wake of the breakup. “I cried for days, even weeks,” he added.
The article continues with advice on how to end friendships with compassion:
Barbie Atkinson, a licensed professional counselor in Houston who offers friendship counseling in her practice, tends to err on the side of openness, though she acknowledged how uncomfortable that could be for both parties. She generally favors a conversation — either face-to-face or over the phone — but even a thoughtful email can sometimes suffice. “The clearest path is usually straight through,” she said of the direct approach.
If you feel your friend is slipping away and hope to understand why, you might ask something like: “I’ve noticed we’ve been less connected lately, and I’m wondering how you’re doing?” Ms. Atkinson suggested. Leading with questions can help make room for open dialogue, rather than trying to force a resolution, she added.
Students, read the entire article and then tell us:
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Have you ever had a friendship grow more distant or even come to an end? If so, what happened? With the benefit of hindsight, is there anything you would have done differently?
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How much do you agree with the idea that friendship breakups are often as difficult as romantic breakups are?
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What do you think makes the ending of friendships so painful? Do you agree with the experts who say it is because of the ambiguity of the loss and that people don’t receive as much support for these kinds of breakups?
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The article offers advice on how to minimize the pain that comes with the end of a friendship. What do you think about these tips? Are there any you would add, especially for others your age?
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What have you learned through making, keeping and letting go of friends? If you have ever had a friendship end, what did you learn about yourself or relationships in general from that experience?
Students 13 and older in the United States and Britain, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public and may appear in print.
Find more Student Opinion questions here. Teachers, check out this guide to learn how you can incorporate these prompts into your classroom.