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Parenthood is much revered, at least in theory. Think about all the money that goes into baby showers, and the many state laws that (rightfully) give parents paid time off to care for children. The diversity, equity and inclusion committee I’m a part of had a discussion about whether to advocate for building lactation stations for the many single parents our university has among its student population.
I’m all for it; I think single parenting is the most badass thing a person can do. And even with a partner, parenting is hard (maybe harder for some). I respect the challenges parents face. But as a childfree-by-choice person, I see inequities in the ways employers treat parents compared to those without kids, whether they be childless or childfree (there is a difference).
One doesn’t have to read the news deeply to see how much of a firestorm JD Vance’s comments about “childless cat ladies” has caused these last few months. I’m a childfree cat guy who stands with childless and childfree cat ladies. Yet I do leave myself open to microaggressions, like those on this bingo card.
I’ll share one example. I commented on how tired I was one morning, and a colleague said, “I was up at five this morning because of my kid! You don’t know what tired is!” So I wasn’t allowed to be tired, even though the cause was not a crying baby?
I’m not the only childfree person in higher education. And in a world where DEI is a major part of our institutions, being without child, whether by choice or by circumstance, should be included in DEI conversations. To this end, I put out a call on the Higher Ed Learning Collective, a Facebook group, for: 1) institutional policies that allow parents certain privileges that people who are childfree/childless don’t receive; and 2) any microaggressions childfree/childless folks have received, whether on the card or not. These are some patterns I noticed.
Scheduling Preferences
Oftentimes, parents get preference in the times they teach because they “have families”—which speaks to the assumption that the childfree/childless don’t have lives outside of work or that their personal lives aren’t as busy or as important. Many faculty reported some variation of this experience.
Free/Reduced Tuition
Many universities provide free or reduced tuition for the children of employees. I love this benefit. However, one person indicated that when they proposed discounted tuition for their niece, they received no response. Another person appeared to have read my mind when they proposed that those without children should have the option of sponsoring a scholarship for a student.
Obligatory Baby Shower Contributions
A few people wrote about this, which made me very happy. I’m all for giving a few dollars as a congratulatory gift. After all, giving birth is a major milestone for some people. But why didn’t I get a party when I got tenure? When I received promotion (without tenure) at my previous university, a colleague gave me a $25 gift card to the Cinemark. But when our department secretary announced her pregnancy, everybody was expected to contribute a monetary gift and attend a potluck shower. I was relatively junior at the time, so I didn’t say anything about the inequity. With tenure, I might be more inclined to do so.
Microaggressions
A few faculty received comments on the bingo card such as “You’ll change your mind” and “it’s different when they’re your own.” Some even described being asked to take on additional service work because “you have no kids at home. You’re obviously free.”
Of note: There are some cases where childless/childfree folks can benefit. One person, a self-described night owl who preferred teaching between 4 and 10 p.m., took evening slots and was appreciated by her “childed colleagues.”
Some hope for the future exists in our classrooms. A gerontology professor I spoke with has regularly faced criticism for being childfree while teaching courses in human development. In her words, a speech pathology professor doesn’t need to have had a stroke in order to understand the science of how it affects speech patterns. As part of her pedagogy, she teaches students about the difference between childless and childfree.
The childfree/childless population should be included as part of our DEI conversations. Many people are unable to have children, and there can be trauma associated with it. And there are people who just don’t want to have children; their reasons are nobody’s business. And if lifestyle choices can be rewarded (e.g., additional insurance benefits for a spouse), then the choice not to have children should be considered as well.
I always appreciate allyship from parents. One academic mother had some excellent advice for the childfree/childless to achieve equity: Create a baby in your mind. In other words, have some reason you cannot do something they’re asking. For me, it’s my cat. In my mind, if this colleague can pick up their human kiddo, I should be able to take my cat to his veterinarian’s appointment or be around to give him his medications, which need to be timed every 12 hours.
Nobody’s challenged me yet. And if they ever do, I’ll direct them here. After all, I am a dad to this cat.
