Dear We Are Teachers,
I’ve taught 7th grade at my current school for nine years. I knew that a coworker on my team was getting married and helped throw her a bridal shower at the end of school. She reiterated at the shower that they were keeping the wedding very small, so I assumed that’s why I didn’t get an invite. But I just saw on Instagram last week photos of the wedding at a huge venue, and pictures included our entire department plus an additional 10 to 15 teachers from our school. I’m so hurt. Should I ask her why I was the only one not invited to her wedding?
—Feeling Like a Minus One
Dear F.L.A.M.O.,
Oh, I wish I could give you a hug. That would be a really terrible feeling. It’s also strange that she would invite so many other teachers at your school but not you, as one of the people who helped throw her the shower.
As much as it hurts, I think the best thing to do in this case is to let it go. Smile and tell her congratulations when you see her. Who knows? Maybe the invitation got lost in the mail. Maybe the calligrapher mistakenly wrote the “M” in your address as an “N” and someone on Naplewood Drive still has your invite. Perhaps you are so beautiful and perfect that the bride couldn’t risk you outshining her on her big day (personally, I think it might be fun to live in this possibility in your mind).
Finally, after something like this happens that makes you feel small and sad, do something that makes you feel powerful. Sign up for a 5K. Tackle a difficult new recipe. Volunteer. Learn a new skill. You are far too fabulous to let your worth be determined by a wedding invite. (Plus, I heard their marriage is already on the rocks. Their first dance? “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” I mean, come on.)
Dear We Are Teachers,
It’s my first year of teaching and I reached my limit today. I lost my temper and cursed at one of my high school students. It was in a private conversation in the hallway so no other students heard. He wouldn’t stop interrupting and being rude, so I said, “Can you just shut the f**k up for two seconds?” (I know, it’s bad.) I apologized almost immediately to the student and he was actually very understanding, but I’m wondering if I should tell his parents? My administrator? I’m totally freaking out now.
—Should I Just Resign Now?
Dear S.I.J.R.N.,
Tell your administrator ASAP. You do not want them caught off-guard. Ideally, I would say to call the student’s parents first. But with the likelihood of this high school student having a phone, it’s probable that the parents already know. You’ll need to talk to them too eventually, but your administrator will be able to coach you in how to talk to the parents about what happened.
Now … what to say. I’m putting myself in the position of the parents in your case. Here’s what I would want from a teacher who snapped at my child:
- A factual run-down of the situation leading up to what you said. Not judgment statements like “Jackson was being very disrespectful,” or excuses like “I’ve been so stressed lately—you have no idea what these kids are like.” Just give facts, like “I asked Jackson to talk in private. While I attempted to redirect his behavior, he continued to interrupt as soon as I started talking.”
- A true apology, to me and my kid. What I mean by this is an acknowledgment of the damage done. Something like, “I’m so sorry. I feel horrible that I snapped and said that. There are no excuses for me losing my temper on a child.” Don’t add other conditionals as excuses, like “I’m so sorry, but I was at the end of my rope.”
- What you plan to do to make it right. Examples: “I apologized immediately to Jackson, but I plan to talk to him again tomorrow so he knows it won’t happen again.” “I understand that I will need to work to rebuild both your and Jackson’s trust.” “I’ve signed up for PD on deescalation strategies I can use in tense moments like these in the future.”
Finally, remember that you are human, not the perfectly benevolent robot society often expects of us. We all make mistakes. Let this be a mistake that you learn from and do better—not something you measure your worth on forever.
Dear We Are Teachers,
I’m one of two 5th grade math teachers at my school. This year, our district started giving common assessments for every grade and subject level. We just got the results of our first common assessment back, and within minutes our new principal (whom we don’t know very well at all yet) sent us this email:
“I’d like to meet with both of you ASAP to talk about what we can deduce from these results.”
The difference in class averages was only 5 points—94 and 89! Neither my coworker nor I have any idea how to prepare for this meeting. Do you have any inkling what he might be looking for?
—I’m Just the Dumber Teacher, Sir
Dear I.J.T.D.T.S.,
Don’t panic! It sounds like he might not be a warm and fuzzy communicator, but I think what he’s really saying here is, “Let’s look at the data together and see how we can use it to inform instruction.”
I’d recommend doing the following to be prepared for the meeting:
1. Go through each test question and figure out which of your teaching standards it ties to.
Likely, with a common assessment this early in the year, I’d guess you’d have five standards at the most.
2. Draw conclusions by comparing the patterns in student responses to the teaching standards you’ve identified.
Sit down with your coworker and see what patterns emerge when you look at the data.
Did most of your students miss #10 on multiplying fractions, but your coworker’s students aced it? That might indicate the need to compare teaching strategies for those lessons and see what you can incorporate in mini-lessons.
Did your students ace all the questions on integers except for one? Maybe your students need more practice with word problems, graphs, or whatever made that question different.
3. Consider other possibilities too.
Does your coworker teach the advanced classes? Were you out sick for three days of instruction? Does your coworker have significantly more teaching experience than you do? All of these can affect the instruction that took place.
Hope this helps!
Do you have a burning question? Email us at [email protected].
Dear We Are Teachers,
I took a job at a new school this year that I really like, apart from one thing: My principal keeps remarking on me leaving at my contract time! If I pass him on my way out, he’ll say, “You’re in a hurry!” or “Somewhere you need to be?” When I finally clarified with him that my contract day ends at 3, he said, “Oh, yes, that’s true, but most of our teachers just stay until 5:00 or later.” My eyes practically fell out of my head. I thought we had all agreed to just work our contract hours in 2024? Now I feel so sneaky leaving at 3. Help!
—Don’t You Know That You’re Toxic?